THE CONTEXT
Winter holidays are here soon! As a society, we still grapple with how to celebrate in a way that makes everyone feel included.
THE PUZZLE
People want to celebrate their beliefs, their traditions, their joy and generosity. Religion enters the workplace through holiday decorations, parties, and interpersonal interactions. How do we do all this in a way that makes everyone feel like they belong?
Back in 2011, Hanukkah and Christmas overlapped, like they do some years. I was talking with a co-worker during that time. As we parted ways, he looked at me and awkwardly said, “Happy Hanukkah” but his voice went up in tone, making it sound like a question. I guessed that he was implicitly asking whether that was the right thing to say to a Jewish person. Wanting to reassure him, I emphatically said, “thanks!” I wish it ended there – a nice gesture for someone who probably didn’t have a lot of experience with Jewish people. But instead of leaving it there, he looked me dead in the eye, gave me a firm handshake, and with all earnestness said, “No, seriously, man, Merry Christmas.”
I tell this story a lot. I think it’s kind of funny, the way he totally mucked it up, but in such an earnest way. But it also left me feeling bad – like my religion was less real, that I was somehow less real. That’s not a good feeling, and it’s one that is all too common for religious minorities in this country. I certainly felt that way as a child growing up in a fairly homogenous town in Connecticut. My parents tried to make us feel included, even getting us a few presents on Christmas, but we weren’t fooled. The one thing that was probably the biggest, most exciting time of year for all our peers wasn't for us. And that's certainly ok. Hanukkah isn't even a very important holiday for Jewish people. But still hard for a child to understand, since the Christmas celebration is so public. As I got older, I embraced that outsider’s perspective a little more. I cherished going out for Chinese food on Christmas Eve or going to the movies on Christmas day. I felt almost rebellious, outside of the norm—like that outsider’s perspective gave me some unique insights. It probably played a larger role than I’ve even examined in my career path, working toward more equity and inclusion for everyone.
Now I’m married to a woman who was raised Catholic. We celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas with our four children. Even so, I find that it’s not easy to embrace Christmas. Being an outsider to the holiday formed a big part of my identity; it protected me from the painful exclusion of my childhood. People in the town where we live still say, “Merry Christmas” to me, even when they know I’m Jewish. Sometimes that makes me feel bad, but most of the time I know it’s just habit, and I feel their efforts to bond with me, to share a connection even more deeply during this time of year.
People are consistently trying to be kind, to be respectful, to connect in a special sort of holiday way, but they might not have a lot of experience with people of different religions. They might not know the right thing to say and they may be afraid that they will say the wrong thing. They might even consider Christmas more cultural than religious. Those good intentions are important, but when we live in a society with many different religions and many different cultures, we can do better at making everyone feel included. Religion isn’t something we only do in our churches, synagogues, temples, and mosques. It structures and infuses our workplaces – everything from what holidays count as days off to what the decorations are for the holiday party. In that spirit, here are some ways we can do better with religious inclusion:
How We Can Do Better
[1] Don’t assume you know what or how people celebrate. The majority of people in the United States identify as Christian. It’s about 70% of the population, according to Pew. But that still leaves almost 100 million people who don’t identify as Christian, whether that’s because they identify with a different religion or with no religion. If you wish someone a “Merry Christmas” who doesn’t identify as Christian, it might feel bad to them. It might make them feel like an outsider, like they don’t belong. Or it might not make them feel bad at all. We just don’t know. That’s why people use a more inclusive “Happy Holidays” in case someone is celebrating Hanukkah, Kwanza, or something else. It doesn’t mean you can’t say “Merry Christmas” to your family and your friends and your neighbors who you know celebrate Christmas. It just recognizes that not everyone does, and it makes those people feel included too, like they are part of a multicultural mosaic rather than outsiders in a Christian country. And of course, even saying "Happy Holidays" or talking about the "holiday season" will feel like a subtle act of exclusion to some people, because it may not be their religion's big holiday season at all. It's complicated, messy stuff.
[2] If you’re not sure, you can ask. Just yesterday some friends said “Merry Christmas” to me, and then remembered that I was Jewish. They asked about us celebrating Hanukkah. It was really nice the way they did it – they didn’t make a big deal out of it, and they asked more detail about what we do as a family. You can do this with co-workers too. During a past year's team meeting, one of my colleagues started the call by asking everyone to share (if they were comfortable), one holiday tradition that they were looking forward to. It was a simple but wonderful way to learn more about our co-workers, to allow us to respect their beliefs when we interact with them, and to follow up with more questions and bonding later.
[3] Diversify the holiday planning. I’ve seen lots of examples of holiday decorations and parties that have attempted to be inclusive, but have gone wrong. Blue lights on a Christmas tree probably does not make Jewish people feel considered. A big picture of Santa saying “Ho ho ho! Happy Holidays!” doesn’t feel like it’s including everyone just because it says, “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Many of these subtle exclusions can be avoided if there are diverse perspectives invited to the planning stage for the decorations, the events, and the parties.
[4] Ask people how to best support their faith. People will tell you what they need at work. It may be a prayer room. It may be more vegetarian options at company lunches. It might be more consideration—not scheduling big meetings on their most holy days, when they take a personal day. The important thing is to ask and listen, and not assume to know what people need through the lens of your own perspective. For example, many people assume that Hanukkah is an important holiday for Jews because it falls around Christmas. But it’s really not. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (which fall around September and October) are way more important, but those aren’t usually days off from work. Consideration on those high holy days would likely go much further toward supporting Jewish people than adequate representation of Hanukkah decorations around December.
[5] Be curious without treating people as curiosities. While it’s good to ask open ended questions to learn more about people’s practices (“What holidays are most important to you? How can we best support you? What traditions do you most look forward to?”), it’s also important not to treat those practices that are different from yours as strange or exotic. For example, don’t incredulously ask your Muslim colleagues about how they don’t even drink water during Ramadan. Don’t tell your kosher Jewish colleagues how you just couldn’t live without bacon. Don’t ask your Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints colleagues about polygamy (it hasn’t been practiced for a long time). These questions might just be occurring to you for the first time, but they are likely questions and comments that those folks have heard way too often. While you are trying to build trust and closeness, you end up doing the opposite by treating them as not normal.
[6] Learn about different religions and cultures. There is a tendency to schedule workplace diversity events that highlight foods and festivals of different cultures. It’s a good impulse, but it can sometimes feel like we’re only appreciating the surface of different religions or practices. It’s also nice to link holidays to more significant learning about people, their histories, their cultures, their beliefs, and their current struggles and successes. Make sure people from those traditions are leading the planning. Follow their lead.
[7] We can’t get so hung up on joy that we don’t leave a space for empathy. Around this holiday time, people work so hard to focus on joy and generosity. We can be really good at generosity in one particular way. We think of others constantly, buying presents for everyone, baking cookies for everyone, giving food and presents for those who may be less fortunate. It can be overwhelming even. But we also need to be able to pause and leave a space for appreciating other belief systems that are different from ours or even others who may be experiencing sadness rather than joy. Leaving space for empathy like that can be part of the generosity that we cultivate during this time of year. One of the best gifts we can give people is making them feel welcomed, valued, respected and heard, no matter what their religion or culture.
We can do better at religious inclusion.
Photo by Hasmik Ghazaryan Olson
